Had a wee bit of a freak out last night - it's strange. I mean it's one thing for everybody to say "oh my gosh, you are going to have so much fun! You're going on a trip around the world" and I know this is true. I applied for the damn thing, but sometimes in the midst of everything - it's hard to remember why I'm doing this some times. Disclaimer: don't think I'm saying I'm regretting my decision. I worked for this and I wanted this and I got this and I'm damn proud. I know it's what I need and what I want. Yet, I can't get over this childish instinct about wanting my cake and eating it too.
Talked to my good friend Jess on the phone last night. Girl called me at the perfect time. She's great, living in Missoula, Montana. (makes me feel cultured - I can say I have friend out west hah) But anyways, moral of the story is I've got love for that kid. She's got a good head on her shoulders and is real with me.
I digress. These last couple of weeks before the end of an era are starting to (and will continue to) feel like a rushing train heading towards a very solid brick wall. I feel like I'm trying to slow things down so I can stay here a little longer, even though I'm about a tank of gas and a world away from my life. It's unreal for me to think I'm a part of that right now. I' m sitting in an empty house waiting for something that I can't even imagine. I know that whatever is going to happen is going to change me forever and I want change, but I don't want to change who I am.
I'm not scared that some thing's going to be different when I get back. I'm scared that every thing's going to be different when I get back. Honestly, no one can say anything to make me feel differently. No one knows what can happen in 9 months. Although, I do know that whatever happens to myself, will be a growth and not a change. Alyssa put it more articulately but I can't quote her verbatim right now. (more love for her too - I feel like I'm doing Internet shout-outs right now)
I guess it just goes back to this unspoken nervousness about my existing life changing so much so that when I get back I won't fit into that life anymore. That scares the shit out of me. It's like this. I feel that I'm an open person, not too bad to get along with, pretty understanding, whatever whatever. BUT I will say this. It takes me a little while to let ya in. ANOTHER BUT, if you do get in. I hold significant persons with me for a very long time. If you are significant to me, I will do a lot to keep that in tact (I'd be a hypocrite if I didn't say this was a sliding scale). Pretty much, unless you tell me you hate me or like you're going to burn my house down. You're still with me. So that being said, sometimes I have a hard time balancing life/fate/cosmic balance whatever with what I need to do for myself. Ya can't have ya cake and eat it too.
soo, it's julia, I don't know if that will show up. but I felt the exact same way befor eI got here. there were about twelve hours or traveling for me, and the whole time I was having a panic attack. when I finally got to my room, I walked in and one of my housemates was sitting there. she was so nice and spoke english so well that I immediately felt better. it's my third day and I feel a thousand times better. I just wanted you to know that I felt the same way, especially when people were telling me it was going to be great.
ReplyDeleteThanks julia. That really means a lot - It's been so awesome knowing that you're going for a year too. and yea! it's like random panic attacks and then "oh, this is going to be amazing"
ReplyDeletehey doll,
ReplyDeleteI can't say that I know exactly what you're going through, but I am used to pretty drastic changes in location. It used to really stress me out about leaving people I had gotten so close to. I was terrified that I would be forgotten. I still panic about that sometimes, but mostly I tell myself that regardless of changes in location the people that really count stuck on and stuck with me. I couldn't really control the fact that I was constantly moving and that drove me insane, but it was comforting to at least know that the people who really matter would be waiting for me if I ever decided to come back. I'm not saying that the people in my life haven't changed drastically in the time away from them, but their essence was always the same which made it so much easier to sustain my love for them. It was worth sifting through all of their changes and relearning about them, because I knew that they were still interested in caring about me. I know you know all this, but it feels good telling you again, because I want you to know that I love you and I'll be here when you get back. :)
Love,
Britt