Oh, it's on.

Respect. Give me that and you give me the world. I don't care what happens to me in the next n years of my life from now but respect is officially on my list of good things and life is an experiment. Life is an experiment to see if the laws I have created for myself are true. Life will be an experiment to test and explore the bounds of the framework that I continue to build. I'm starting to think that I might not swear as much but whatever for right now hey life, bring it the fuck on.

Sometimes, I am wholly confident about my view on a situation. But lately, doubt drips over me like that almost rain that mists instead of falls and you end up just kind of damp, but if you were wet it would be okay - beautiful even. Not to the extent that I have become unfounded in myself, but to the extent where the memories that I've held onto for so long are starting to unravel and disintegrate.  

You can't have what you don't hold.

A. I'm sure that's a line from a song
B. It bothers me that I can't remember what song that is and I'm sure it's a common song theme
C. whatever that song was, it stuck with me.

I have three days until D day and in addition to that whole thing, I'm packing and moving all my shit. By the end of today, my room will be a space with four white walls and a few bed posts. I've accepted the change, it's just that I didn't expect a few of the side effects. Mainly, I don't feasibly have enough time to do that whole thing where you find an old, discolored plastic bracelet that your best friend gave you in third grade, look it over for 20-65 minutes and then pack it neatly into large, marked boxes. I did my best to get rid of as many things as I could and at least organize clothes, books and CD's into easily retrievable locations. If I could have it my way, I'd throw everything away except for my books, a pair of pants and a sturdy shirt. I realize this is completely unrealistic.

In the midst of organizing, I did find all those old memories though. They were literally hid in the backs of drawers and on hooks in closets. Oh, the irony. What is memory? Can a memory be linked to an item? Or are we so afraid of losing memory that we manifest it into an object? I think the item is our way of ensuring that one day we will be reminded and I always want to be reminded. Eh, maybe that's my downfall. Either way, there are some items I can't let go of. They are things that I would keep solely to pack away. It's strange. 

But memories change and people change and life changes and the item can be a representation of all or none of those changes. Sometimes, I think about things that have happened and I get so angry but I can't help but to think about it. Sometimes, I think about the same thing and feel okay. It's like my mind can't even make up it's mind. Sometimes, time folds in on itself and I feel as if something that happened so long ago (oh, hey high school) took place but only a month ago. Yet, regardless of how I feel from day to day - I can't decide whether my memories are even how I thought they were now. Memories that you hold so highly aren't even half as important if they aren't shared. Lingering doubt holds it's place as the worst feeling. This is because memories also remind you of decisions. I've said this before that everybody has regrets and that regrets are irrevocable if already in the past but damn, it's hard to hold yourself to your own beliefs.

At the end of the day, yea okay, there are some things I still can't let go of. It doesn't mean that they effect my day to day (I can stand on my own two feet) but I can't promise anything when I'm feeling real existential. That's just the way it is. I'm loyal, even if my loyalty is unfounded. I think it has something to do with being a dog person. I don't think cat people are like that. Cats are like all independent and moody and shit, right? I have a feeling there's something to that whole I'm a cat person vs. I'm a dog person thing - I also think it's bullshit and people are just animal people or not but hey, whatever floats your boat. I have been becoming more of a cat person lately too though, I wonder if I'm starting to change as well.